When we choose to take on being a pet owner we take on more than just taking care of them. The pet becomes a very intimate part of our lives, our family and our hearts. They become like another family member and often our best friends. The loss of a family pet can be traumatic.
Carly and Buddy 2004
We recently lost our dog Buddy who we’d had for almost 14 years. To say I am devastated by losing him is an understatement. He brought so much happiness into our home with his unconditional love and happy nature. We each had our own special relationship with him. He filled places inside each one of us that we only now realize existed. He was the glue that held us all together. As my kids grew up, my relationship with him deepened. In losing Buddy, I lost my best friend and one of my biggest loves ever.
This loss has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through. But I have learned some important lessons about taking care myself in hard times. I’m sharing this with you all in the hopes that it can help others going through it too.
- Surrender to your grief. The only way to lessen your pain is to move toward it, not away from it. Keep a journal and write about your feelings to help release them. Emotional wounds require attention just as physical wounds do. Let your friends and family know that you need time to grieve so they can give you the emotional space you need.
- Self compassion. We are spiritual beings having a very human experience. Yes, we do get attached to things in this world. That’s our humanness. Find compassion for yourself and know that you are not alone in experiencing the pain of losing a beloved pet. Talk to others who have lost their pets and learn from them. Be gentle and kind to yourself.
- Get help. One of the things that helped me the most was having a few compassionate friends call to check in on me. Having someone to talk to about what you are going through and the love and support they offer can help get you through the rough times. Talking to a therapist can help as well.
Kiss bliss with Carly!
- It’s true that time heals. Allow yourself however long you need.
I still can’t believe he’s gone and find myself with tears every day. I still expect him to come around the corner to sit by my side. There’s no magical elixir that will take away the pain. You have to go through the grief process and eventually you’ll come to a place of surrender. Once you reach this place you are more open to turning inward. “The natural way of healing after the death of a loved one is suffering at first, then there is a deepening. In that deepening, you go to a place where there is no death” says Eckhart Tolle. A Course In Miracles teaches that “the world is not left by death but by truth”; truth being that this world is not the truth of who we are. We are spirit not our physical selves. That every relationship is spiritually assigned and for our highest spiritual growth. That only love is real and what is real between us and our dogs (love) remains – always. Grief is fundamentally a spiritual journey.
Loss is a part of life. We can’t hang onto anything in this world of form. I have to keep reminding myself of that. But they say that as one door closes another opens. Slowly, I begin to open to it. I will never have another dog like Buddy but I’m comforted to know that the love we shared remains and that I will, one day, share this deep love with another.
Have you ever experienced the loss of a pet? What was helpful for you? I’d love to know.
Oh Kiddo, I think you really expressed your thoughts and feelings here, beautifully. I remember when you first got your sweet boy that he was kinda hard for you to handle! But after a time, when I would talk with you on the phone, the joy in your voice was just pure Glee. Your whole tone became so light and joyful “Oh he’s perfect, my moojgie (or something to that effect) boy! I just love him so much, I’ll tell ya, he is my love!” And, as you know, I can still hear your love in my memory for your childhood dog Heidi (also known as Heid-a-lee and the most widely used, Tushjgie Mama!). My names for Duke were not quite as imaginative…Dukie Fluke…ummmm..Duke, and then of course there was “stop humping Stacy Duke! Gross!!” LOL My more silly names were much more creative with Zuki…Schwudgie, bunny man, Schmoopie, etc. And I think that like Zuki, Buddy was the true first real doggy child that just became melted to our hearts.I had not loved another dog like I did that little holy terror! LOL Losing both Dukes never hit me as hard. I think because they weren’t really *my* own doggy. Plus Zuki was there with me through so much loss and change. So of course, when I lost him, it was more devistating then I even knew was possible. You know those horrible heaving, shoulders bouncing, gurgling, eyes puffy and sore for weeks kinda cries. Sorry, not meaning to make you cry too! A few months went by and I thought I had a handle on it. Like time heals kinda thing, right? But then I’m driving home from work and hit me like a ton of bricks! Heaving, crying, couldn’t catch my breath kinda stuff. I think that’s kind of the time where you realize it’s just way too depressing to not have a creature in the house. And slowly, you realize that you have a whole other part of your heart ready to love again! But that will never compare. You don’t have to because there’s just a whole big giant place you didn’t realize you had! Of course, my little girl is getting up there too. I just always try to make sure that everyday is a great day for her, and love her to pieces. Cause that’s really all we can do, is give them lots of love, and knowing how much they were loved will never go away. That is a special kind of love that no one else can truly grasp, that very special time you had your puppy-boy. That love is still in you, and always will be.
I love you kiddo. I wish I could be there closer to you. But we will get together soon! Hang in there 💜
Thank you kiddo. We have been through a lot. Even losing pets. You are right. I know my heart will be ready to love another at some point. Thank you for your love and support.
This blog made me weep – with gratitude for the angel animals I have
been fortunate to share my life with but, surprisingly (after many years), also some sadness.
To help me get through the profound grief, I did some journaling and made a small photo album including a letter I wrote to my precious
pet in gratitude for gracing my life.
Yes, time softens the loss and helps to open our hearts to love again. I would not trade the pain of grief for all the joys of
having a pet share my life and home.
Stacy – thank you so much for this beautiful tribute to Buddy
and helping us to deal with grief when it comes.
Thank you for your love and support Susan. It means a lot to me.
Hey Stacy it’s EV. When we lost Murphy (2010) it was absolutely the hardest time. She had been declining, yes.. she was 13. It was Christmas time when she really was headed downhill. We made it through Christmas but then the next day she could barely get up.She’s go outside in the cold, and stay there.. separating herself from us. We brought her in on a blanket and All night, I slept with her in the living room listening to her labored breaths and feeling her shaking; we knew it was cruel to keep her with us. We barely knew what was wrong with her, but to do invasive testing to find out… no thank you. In the AM, i had DAve “hoist her up” I knew if she could not stand.. that was not a life. That was the most awful morning of my life, bringing her in, to let her go. What was very cathartic for me was writing. I wrote a poem, I wrote an obituary, I wrote captions for the photos we culled (to go into a shutterfly memory book). After 2 weeks of crying, Ryan (he was 10) finally said “mom suck it up, we need you too”. That became a paragraph of my poem called “Home Again”. About how my living family needed me to be the “mom”.. and the oddly satisfying part of having “the box” back, at home.
It’s been almost 8 years now and Penny (who was 3… same kind of dog) is just about 11 and we see her starting to fade. What dogs teach us, among so many other things, is just how long their lives are (not long enough). They tell us when it’s time to go, and they ask us to help.
I’d like to share my poem with you, can you send me an email (or to DAve) and I’ll forward it.
Take care.. you’ll get through it.
Thank you Evelyn for sharing your beautiful story. It’s never easy. I don’t know when I’ll be ready for another dog. It will take some time. Writing for me has been very helpful as well. I’d love to read your poem. I’ll message you on FB. Thank you for your love and support. xo
Thank you Stacy for sharing your thoughts and feelings….I know I will need to reread it to remind myself just how to move through this kind of grief one day. I also shared this with someone I met yesterday who has been struggling with tremendous grief since the loss of her dog last year❤️🙏🏻❤️
Thank you. I hope your friend finds some comfort in that they are not alone in their grief.